What would the Germans say?

This is 100% genuine.
I just found this whilst looking on my PC at some old files.
This is years old, back in the time when on-line translation systems were worse than they are now!
What I did was chuck a load of old cheesy jokes into an English to German translator...and this was the result:


Why on earth did the chicken go and cross the road!
Because of the fact that he was going to the other side of the road?

What will witches ride in on in the future motor powered!
They will be on a vroomsticks?

What did the horse who went in to the pub and the landlord said!
Why is your face so long horse?

How do you eventually know when its time to pull yourself together!
Your doctor mistakes you for curtain?

What does the astronaut park his car at!
Up the parking meteors?

What do you cross if you cross a sheep and a kangaroo!
Warm Jumper?

Man to butcher I'd like two pork chops please!
Butcher which way would you like them to lean?

Doctor doctor I feel like beans on toast!
Shut up you skinhead get back on the raft ?

Why the boy threw his clock out of a window!
How time flies?

Whats the difference between a knock knock and a doctor doctor!
Thats a Irishman of course it is?

Q: what is the capital of the Japan?
A: J.

Q: vot call you a street, where all crazy people are?
A: a psycho path.

Q: what did a chicken call crossing the street?
A: feather cattle in movement ya.

Q: what did the zero to the eight make say?
A: "Hey. . . Volume nice"

A dog went in a telegraph office to send a telegram. It have, "Woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, Woof,
Then the secretary what the dog reads written has, and, said gives "it only nine words here!!!. It could send another 'Woof' for the same price silly dog friend.
"But, that dog reciprocated, "the message then any sense no make frauhlein.

Q: what happened to the hölzernen wood car?
A: it goes woods, yah, it really doos.

Q: a man goes to the doctor. The man has a strawberry that are awake out of his head.
A: the doctor says "that you have any Kreme to give me to place on it"

A man goes in injured to the doctor, "Doc, I've my arm in several places:
the doctors says, "goods. . . there are more arms in udder places. ha ha".

A man was murdered in its home at the weekend. ALT+0160
Detectives have it with the front door. After below in the bathtub the tub is with milk, Cornflakes, and banana disks found has been filled up.
Polize Bureau a grain murderer seek!!!

Q: what will you pour dilutes when you be named a rabbit hole?
A: a hot cross bunny herr friend.

Q: you know how the magnificent gorge Big Canyon was formed?
A: a Scot man and gopher hole dropped his penny down.

A bear runs into a rod bar. So the Barkeeper ask, "what I receive can you?"
the bears answer, "I'll has a gin. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ya und tonic,
that of the Barkeeper ask, "why the large recess und spikly paws?"

Q: what did the farmer say lost when its tractor?
A: "SHNELL, where's my tractor?"

What would Trigo Say?

For those who remember fondly The Trigan Empire in Look & Learn, I've just realised you can read the best of it on your PC free.

First you'll need a Comic Book Reader (CBR) programme. I got one free HERE
Then you can download a 187 page collected  comic HERE

Enjoy.

What would BT say?

I've been thinking about phones.
Last week a truck hit the telephone pole at the back of our house, taking it out and all telephone and broadband for our house as well as all other houses in the spiderweb of wires it fed.
A week later we still have no phone etc. I just rang BT. I know, I should get a medal just for that. Do you know how hard it is to get a phone number for them? I searched the website at work and found nothing except an online form to fill in. Usually you just ring 150, but that won't work.
I eventually got the number from the IT dept:
91211280 (I think the 9 here is the number I have to ring from work to get a dial tone), then 150 for sales or 152 for faults.
After a 5 minute 'conversation' to a robot I finally got to speak to a human being. You get the feeling of finding water after struggling through a desert.
Anyway, they wanted to make it clear if I report a fault and the trouble is with my equipment I'd have to pay £130.
Well, I told the lady i knew what the problem was, the telegraph pole has gone. All the wires for about 10 houses are spread all over our garden and hedges neighbouring us.
She seemed think i was the first person to report the fault, well what about the BT people who took the pole away?
Anyway, she said there is a 3 day wait to have hinges fixed. Roll on Thursday.

When I was a kid phones were a great source of entertainment on a boring rainy school holiday day.
Especially, if like us you had a party line. Kids today don't have a clue what this is. It's when 2 or more houses had the same phone line. If someone was on the phone, not only could the other house not make a call, but you could pick up the phone and listen to their conversation. Also, if you both picked up your phone, you could chat for free.
As a bit of a scamp I would occasionally be naughty and have a listen in to conversations. But apart from once being told to stop listening from the lady down the road, it really was a bit boring.

Other things I used to do, was just pick up the phone and listen. If you listened carefully you could hear a white noise and faint voices, which I always imagined were the operators?

Also, in those days (70's) we all had 1 phone each. No houses with a phone in each room, no DECT. So one day I decided to dial my own number. In theory nothing should have happened, but a lady answered. So I asked to speak to Chris (myself) and the lady asked me to hold while she went and got him. I was so freaked out I put the phone down. Telling this story later, people don't always grasp this wasn't someone in my house answering, as I was on the ONLY phone.

There was also a number you could dial, it had a few 2's in it, that when you rang it and put the phone down it would make the phone ring. Always good for a little joke.

And phone boxes! The old style would let you speak for a few seconds while you put money in. So, a little game me and my friend played was seeing what the longest number was we could dial and get a ring tone. I seemed to remember dialling 13 numbers (at a time when most numbers only had 3 digits), so I guessed it was somewhere across the globe. It rang for ages (again, supporting my theory that whoever's house it was, was probably asleep), and then a tired voice said 'hello', I just said 'goodbye' , hung up and went off to play in the fields. I've often pictured though a tired Australian or American scratching his head wondering who it was, maybe thinking it was his practical joker friend not realising it was a little boy in a village in South Wales.

What would Shakespeare say?

Ladies and gentlemen

Hobos and tramps

Cross-eyed mosquitoes

And bow-legged ants

Pull up a chair

And sit on the floor

And I'll tell you a story

I've never heard before

One bright day

In the dead of night

Two dead boys

Got up to fight

Back to back

They faced each other

Drew their swords

And shot each other

A deaf police man

Heard the noise

And came and killed

The two dead boys

If you don't believe

This lie is true

Ask the blind man...

He saw it too.

What would the Glass man say?

I recently found an old glass fronted cabinet at work. All the shelves were missing, but I thought it would look great to put my models in, and I could just buy some glass shelves cheaply.
So, I put the unit on the wall. Measure up for the shelves. They are 300mm x 160mm, so pretty small. i need 9 of them.
I rang the first local glass company, and maybe it's my fault for asking for 6mm glass with beveled edge, but the price was £216.  £216!!!! Are they insane!
The next company I went to I asked for normal glass. I did get a better price. £12 per shelf. That's £108!!! If I wanted the edges smoothed it would be considerably more.
I couldn't believe it.
In the end I went online and found this site: http://www.sheetplastics.co.uk/
I ordered 9 shelves, 5mm thick (which was probably a bit too thick) in clear acrylic.
Delivered for under £30.

What would Mr Sunshine say?

My experience of going Solar.

I've looked into solar a lot over the years. I really like the idea of generating your own electricity, being more self sufficient and out of the clutches of the greedy power companies.
I filled in a survey a couple of years ago when the Free Solar Government initiative started, and was unsuccessful, though I didn't know why at the time.

A few months ago, I filled in another online survey, this time at a website called: http://freeelectricity4u.co.uk/ which is actually a company called PV Solar UK. They are the largest solar installer in the UK, and at time of writing, the only company covering the whole of the UK.

So, I filled in the online form again and gave it a whirl.
I was called shortly after to say a salesman would be in touch.
Then I was called again to ask if I had concrete tiles.
I don't, which apparently means I yet again wasn't eligible for free panels.
To be eligible you need to be south facing (I'm about 20° off), have a 25 square meter roof area (I didn't), and have concrete roof tiles. So all in all it was a no show on these 3 criteria.

What is important to know now is this: the Govt, through the Carbon Trust has guaranteed that solar panels on houses will be eligible for a payment for every kilowatt of electricity the panels produce. At the moment it's about 43p a Kw. On top of that you also get paid for the electricity you don't use and send back to the grid. That's about 3-4p. Now, because your electricity meter only runs 1 way, there's no way of knowing just how much you are sending back, so the Power companies have agreed a figure of 50% of what you generate. Nice and simple.
This money is paid to you through your power supplier, who claims it from the Carbon Trust. The carbon trust gets their money from us…apparently there is a payment in all our fuel bills that goes to the carbon trust for just such instalment payments.
I have seen people complaining that if you take advantage of these payments you are robbing from people…huh?
Anyway, back to the free panels… what's the catch? This is it, you get them installed for free, you get the free electricity they generate, the installation company get's all the carbon trust payments. That's how it works, and to be honest, it's a pretty good deal.

So, I couldn't have them, but before I put down the phone in disappointment the operator said there may be another option, and we kept the appointment.

How do I afford a solar system on the cheap?

OK, so the sales guy turns up and gives his pitch. It's a good one. It's very good.
But.
How do I afford it? We work out that to put the maximum number of panels on the roof (12 large or 16 of the new smaller variety), a 2.88KW system is 15K. 15K!!! I don't even have 1K of savings.
Incidentally, all the panels from PV Solar are made by Sharp, so a very reliable make.
Back to the story…

So, it just so happens that Barclays Bank have had an eye on PV Solar for a while, keeping track of their business. Also, to date Tesco's have as well and you now have an option for this next part:
Barclays (and now Tesco) have gone into partnership with PV Solar. They will loan you the money to buy the system over 10yrs. For 15K my loan is about £180 per month.
How do I pay that? You pay for it with the money you get back from the Carbon Trust, plus the savings you make on your electricity bill, which is supposed to be about 1/3rd.

(the figures for savings etc are based on my house, the angle to the south, the amount of shading the roof gets. Each will be different, so these figures will probably change for you).

So, I signed up. Your given 7 days to cool of and change your mind, then the surveyor comes and checks the property to make sure it will all go to plan. The panels themselves don't take any drilling, they clip onto the tile rafters. The fitters remove the tiles, put some brackets onto the beams, then put the tiles back. Then the panels slot onto the brackets.
We are a 3 story townhouse end terrace, so had to have quite a bit of scaffolding.
The installation took 1 day, the scaffolding was removed and the job of PV Solar was done.
You do get a pack of pre-paid postcards to fill in each month to let them know how the system is doing, and to date I've filled in 2.

Now the bit that was like pulling teeth.
To complete the deal with the Carbon Trust you need to get a Feed In Tarriff form from your electricity supplier. Mine is British Gas. On the BG website their is a number to ring. I tried, and after 15mins thought they must be busy and gave up. The next time I tried for 20mins. The final time I left the phone ringing and ringing. It took 90mins for someone to pick up. 90mins!
If you are not patient, give up now. I was told in reply to my letter of complaint to BG that the amount of people taking up the Solar Panels is phenomenal, and there is a 4 week backlog.
I eventually get the form, fill it in sending the certificates that come from the Solar company, and then waited for the Terms & Condition's form to sign. After a couple of weeks I sent a letter. I had tried e-mailing: greenhomes@britishgas.co.uk. but all I got was an automated response. The letter did get me the T&C form, it is now signed and dated. I lost about 64KW from the installation to getting the form, so I won't get money for that.
Apparently, what happens now is every 3 months I have to e-mail the readings to BG and I will get a payment within 28 days.

Does it all work?
I can't answer that fully yet, I haven't got to the 3 month period, and when I do I will have lost the first 64KW from the reading because of the above delay. So far, according to my rough estimates the amount may not be enough to cover the loan, but it may be only by £10 or so. Oh, and it's not so bad when you also realise, that although the loan is for 10yrs, the guaranteed carbon trust payments are for 25yrs.
Last month (July) it produced about 300 units, so that would be:
300 x .43 = £129
150 x .03 = £4.5
(my electricity bill has just come and I am £30 in credit), so all together = £163.5
These are rough figures, I think the actual figures are higher, and also linked to inflation, and tax free too!

I will report back more when I know more and the first payment has proceeded, but as there is so little info of this type on the net I thought I would write my story so far.


p.s.
I thought i would mention that solar panels really does alter the way you live and do things.
We have bought lot's of timer plugs from Amazon so all the power hungry items come on at midday, when the electricity coming from the panels is at it's peak. We've turned to slow cookers for a lot of meals, all energy saving bulbs, and are also looking at updated washing machines/hoovers.
So far, we can have 2 slow cookers on, radio, fridge & freezer and it doesn't cost a penny. Obviously as soon as daylight (not sunlight) goes, you are taking power from the grid, and thus paying.
Also we boil the kettle once in the morning and fill a flask rather than keep boiling. Charge laptops up at midday and then unplug. Anything to use free power rather than pay.
I've also just started buying low wattage 400w electric radiators to help in the winter. Gas is a real killer, I'm still paying off last winters bill for central heating.

If you have any questions, please ask, and if I can I will answer them.

What would Mr Lego say?

My first play with the free Lego Creator Cad programme SR3D.

The software can be found here: LINK

My blog on the progress of building this model and all the issues I came across can be found here: LINK

This render was made in C4D after exporting to 3DS. All info can be found in the blog.

What would Harold Lloyd say?

The One Handed Man (my review on the Harold lloyd boxset)

If you live in the UK and remember Harold Lloyd, it's probably through the old TV compilations that had the song 'Hooray for Harold Lloyd' and the excitable cheesy voice over saying thinks like 'Oh no, what will Harold do now!!!'
When I bought the boxiest, I thought I would be getting those old shows. I remembered watching them as a kid, and didn't know they were just compilations from his films.
To be honest, they were very good and I was almost disappointed I didn't get that…then you watch the films.

They are some of the most amazing slapstick comedy films I've ever seen. At times I had my hands in front of my face saying NO! as he climbs a skyscraper, in one film with his feet stuck on a painters tresslle.

There are Talkies too! I've never seen these before. they are a lot different to the silents, and I think I prefer the silents. There is so much more visual comedy, whereas the talkies seem to be story lead. Feet First is probably the most hybrid of these talkies.

But…despite all these incredible stunts, what makes it even more incredible is he did it with nearly only 1 hand!
I didn't know this until recently, and I heard an interview on the radio with his daughter, who told the story.
In those old silent comedies, where you would have a big fat baddy with a big black moustache tying some maiden to a rail track whilst holding a big bomb, that said BOMB on the side, those bombs were made of paper. The idea being that when they exploded the effect looked impressive on screen. Anyway, apparently one of these bomb's went off whilst Harold was holding it, taking with it a few of his fingers. They thought his career was over, but instead Lloyd had a false hand made, it's very difficult to see at times, but in some scenes of his movies, usually when he's just sitting down, you can see his right hand makes no movements and looks slightly odd. You'd never notice though unless you knew about it, and it was kept a big secret.

Now, rematch one of his films and realise that these breathtaking stunts are not only being done by a real person, but a real 1 handed person!

Amazing set. Buy it.

What would Steve McQueen say?

Did anyone see the Antiques Roadshow where the lady brought in a Rolex?
It was fascinating. The lady who bought it in said it was her fathers. He had been a POW in Germany, originally captured in France and then marched through country after country until arriving in Germany.
The watch expert had never heard a story like the one the lady told. He knew the Germans confiscated (stole) most watches and jewellery, but what made the story so fascinating, was the watch was actually ordered and delivered whilst he was a prisoner!
Apparently Rolex would send watches from Switzerland to POW's. It was a huge moral booster for the POW's and Rolex just took it that the POW would pay when released.
The lady also said she was sure that when the great escape took place, 2 years after her father was captured, in a different camp, parts of the watches were converted to make compasses.
It was a very interesting story and one I'd never heard before.
The value of the bubble back Rolex was 2.5-3K but with the story and documentation that went with it he said a minimum value was 5K, though he knew she would never part with it.

What would David Bellamy say?

I've got a niggle about Vegetarians. It's focused on the answer I've had in the past when I've asked them 'why are you a veggie?'.
If the answer is because it's cruel to eat other animals or just about sanctity of life in all shapes and sizes, I have a small question that forms. I've never had it satisfactorily answered.
The question sort of goes like this:
If you respect all life, what about if a moth or spider gets into your house?
The answer 100% of the time is, they would let it out humanley, or spiderly or mothly?
OK, so what if it's smaller, like an ant?
Again, yes, with care and respect.
OK, so what if it's a flea, hair lice or something? They are living creatures?
I have to admit, I don't get anything at this point, and I still haven't got to germs that live on the toilet. Do you use bleach?
Do you see what I'm saying?
Life is life, isn't it? You might feel bad about eating a cow, but what about killing microscopic life whilst cleaning?

What would Kow Yokoyama say?

I've been a scale modeller since I was a kid. Every kid of my era had a go of at least 1 model kit, something that I think is unfortunatley lacking these days.
Over the years I've seen a lot of good, bad & ugly stuff. Some models I can appreciate for the skill involved or new techniques tried, but I am very rarely gobsmacked.

Recently I was gobsmacked.
I've just rejoined the Maschinen Krieger site after a few years absence: http://maschinenkrueger.com/forum and once again become interested in all things 'Kow', the designer of SF3D, or Maschinen Krieger, or more plainly Ma.K

Anyway, after some browsing I came across Mark Stevens and I was gobsmacked. Mark seems to do mainly scratchbuilt models from junk.
Here's a look at a before pic on Flickr:

I know, looks impressive huh?
Then take a look at the finished result:

Here's another scratchbuild from mark:

If you would like to see all of Mark's photo's, which also include his hobby of renovating Gillott bicycles, go HERE

What would Sigourney Weaver say?

After having just watched the whole Alien series again I was pleasantly surprised to find that in Alien 3, the only survivor from the Prison planet Fury was an inmate called....Morse!
Oh yeah. Well done Morsey. Not so good for Ripley :(

What would Peter & Jane say?

I don't remember Janet & John, when I was a nipper growing up in the early 70's I had Peter & Jane. Peter throws the ball, Jane throws the ball. Peter catches the ball...you get the drift.

Anyway, I've been thinking about those days at Marshfield Junior School, a small rural school in a small village called Castleton, South Wales, because at work wev'e been taking about Parents evening and the progress our own kids are now making at reading.
And you know what, I remember something weird.
As I said, I started with Peter & Jane, but after that, there was no Horrid Henry or Harry potter for us (or me, as I have no idea what other kids were given to read) I was given novels! It's true. The next book I remember being given is The Legend of Beowulf & Grendel. And after that a strange story of a man who travelled to the world of cats (by H.P. Lovecraft I think).

I think the memory is accurate, even if it is quite old, because as I'm writing this I've just remembered some of the books my parents bought me for Christmas whilst I was at that school. Books like Alexander Dumas The Man in the Iron Mask, and The Black Arrow.

Times have certainly changed.

What would Humphrey Bogart say?

I just had the annual task of making the company Birthday Cards. This year I went for Silver Screen stars.
Oh yeah, in case you wondered, we make aerosol cans.

What would LG say?

My old Denon 1930 DVD player has died.
A moments silence.
It was a real workhorse. I've looked around for a replacement and finally settled on the LG DVX582H.

It has some great reviews and all at a very good price.
Region hacking is a bit more complicated than a remote job though.
You need this file HERE
What you do then is burn the folder 'RMTM0000' onto a CD. I made mine a straight forward Data Disc.
You then pop it into the player and hey presto! It asks what region you would like to set the player at.
I chose '0' to make it 'All Region' and that's it.
Job done.
It's a very smart player, gloss black finish, very light and compact. Very quiet in operation with all the usual features you would expect from an upscaling DVD.
It doesn't do SACD, but, well, there you go.

What would Mr Sony say?

  Here's my Amazon PS3 Hardware listmania list:

 

1.  Sony Playstation 3 80GB Console 1x Dual Shock 3 controller by Sony The list author says: "Any PS3 will do, dont worry about hard drive size."

2.  Western Digital Scorpio Blue 500GB Sata 8MB Cache 2.5 Inch Internal Hard Drive OEM - Sony Playstation PS3 Compatible by Western Digital The list author says: "Pimp up your PS3 to 500GB for a bargain price. It just slots in!"

3.  SONY COMPUTER Dual Shock 3 Game Controller [PS3] by Sony The list author says: "It's expensive, but the best. Mine has lasted years and still as good as new."

4.  PS3 Slim Stand by Game On The list author says: "These come in normal & slim sizes. Great to keep upright, neon lights & USB."

5.  Cooling Fan (PS3) by Competition Pro The list author says: "For £10 this could keep your PS3 from overheating. Fits on very nicely especially upright."

6.  Controller Dual Charging Dock (PS3) by Competition Pro The list author says: "Keep your controller charged up. Needs powered hub for when the PS3 is off."

7.  4 Port USB Hub ~ High Speed 2.0 (480Mbps) ~ 1.1 & 1.0 Compliant ~ Bus Powered (No Power Adapter Needed) ~ Drivers Supplier for Windows 98SE (no drivers needed for later versions) by World of Data The list author says: "This works great as a powered hub, you may need more than the 4 slots though as things progress."

8.  1209 Trendy and Quality High Speed 7 Port USB 2.0 Tower Hub with UK AC Power Cable Adaptor Externally Powered USB Tower Hub 7 port --- 12 Month Warranty >>> THT Trade by THT Trade The list author says: "This will give you 7 ports, enough to keep things charged to the max, even when off."

9.  Sony Playstation Eye Camera with EyeCreate (PS3) by Sony The list author says: "You get one with Eye Pet or Move Starter Pack, but here it is just to show."

10.  AmazonBasics USB 2.0 A-Male to A-Female Extension Cable (3.0 Metres) [Amazon Frustration-Free Packaging] by AmazonBasics The list author says: "A few of these may come in handy, for the Eye, or if a controller runs out of juice on a long session."

11.  Crown PlayStation Move Eye Camera Clip (PS3) by Crown The list author says: "Maybe overlooked, but this little clip could come in handy."

12.  PlayStation Move Starter Pack with PlayStation Eye Camera, Move Controller and Starter Disc (PS3) by Sony The list author says: "The starter kit will give you 1 wand, Eye and Demo disk."

13.  Playstation Move Controller - Black (PS3) by Sony The list author says: "Spare Wands for more than 1 player, or if your not getting the Starter kit."

14.  PlayStation Move Navigation Controller (PS3) by Sony The list author says: "Navigation controller to use with the wand instead of the normal Pad."

15.  iTALKonline QUAD Contoller Charging Dock for PlayStation Play Station PS3 MOVE Motion Controller & Navigation Controller (USB Charging Adapter Included) by iTALKonline The list author says: "Let's keep the Move stuff charged (another USB port gone!)"

16.  PlayStation Move Gun Attachment (PS3) by Sony The list author says: "Currently the best gun to stick the Move controller in."

What would Jackie Chan say?

I watched Jacke Chan in The Accidental Spy on the weekend. Jackie usually delivers an entertaining movie, and this was no exception.
What was the exception though, was the cover.
I've never seen such a piece of misleading media.

So, from top left to bottom right, lets take a look:
Fighter jets- it is possible there was a very brief flypast, but I must have missed it.
Blonde Girl- I think i would have remembered her in the movie, but I don't think there was any blode women at all.
Jacke- Well, at least he was in it!
Lady in Black Catsuit- No, another no show.
Parachuters- Jacke did use some umbrellers as a makeshift parachute...but not this.
CIA type guy- I think he must have been in the backround, as an extra, in a completley different film!!!

So, how on earth did this end up as a cover for this movie???

What would DIY Man say?

I've been buying up the 40 disc cases on Amazon : LINK
They tend to fluctuate in price, but £6-7 is average each.

They are great for saving shelf space. I found you can get all 6 series of Lost in 1 case! or Futurama, Life on Mars & Ashes to Ashes in 1, plus I have a few called things like War Movies or Action movies.
A huge shelf saver!

What would Carly Simon say?

So I've heard yet again on the radio, Carly Simon's 'Your So Vain'. The repeated chorus is:

You're so vain, you probably think this song is about you

You're so vain, I'll bet you think this song is about you

Don't you? Don't You?

Now I don't know much about this song, who it's about, how angry she was etc, etc, but the lyrics are begging the man to dare to think she cares enough to actually write this song about him....but, well, the unfortunate mistake Carly made was that, yes, the song WAS about him. If not, who else is it about?