Thursday, November 24, 2011

What would the Germans say?

This is 100% genuine.
I just found this whilst looking on my PC at some old files.
This is years old, back in the time when on-line translation systems were worse than they are now!
What I did was chuck a load of old cheesy jokes into an English to German translator...and this was the result:

Why on earth did the chicken go and cross the road!
Because of the fact that he was going to the other side of the road?

What will witches ride in on in the future motor powered!
They will be on a vroomsticks?

What did the horse who went in to the pub and the landlord said!
Why is your face so long horse?

How do you eventually know when its time to pull yourself together!
Your doctor mistakes you for curtain?

What does the astronaut park his car at!
Up the parking meteors?

What do you cross if you cross a sheep and a kangaroo!
Warm Jumper?

Man to butcher I'd like two pork chops please!
Butcher which way would you like them to lean?

Doctor doctor I feel like beans on toast!
Shut up you skinhead get back on the raft ?

Why the boy threw his clock out of a window!
How time flies?

Whats the difference between a knock knock and a doctor doctor!
Thats a Irishman of course it is?

Q: what is the capital of the Japan?
A: J.

Q: vot call you a street, where all crazy people are?
A: a psycho path.

Q: what did a chicken call crossing the street?
A: feather cattle in movement ya.

Q: what did the zero to the eight make say?
A: "Hey. . . Volume nice"

A dog went in a telegraph office to send a telegram. It have, "Woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, Woof,
Then the secretary what the dog reads written has, and, said gives "it only nine words here!!!. It could send another 'Woof' for the same price silly dog friend.
"But, that dog reciprocated, "the message then any sense no make frauhlein.

Q: what happened to the hölzernen wood car?
A: it goes woods, yah, it really doos.

Q: a man goes to the doctor. The man has a strawberry that are awake out of his head.
A: the doctor says "that you have any Kreme to give me to place on it"

A man goes in injured to the doctor, "Doc, I've my arm in several places:
the doctors says, "goods. . . there are more arms in udder places. ha ha".

A man was murdered in its home at the weekend. ALT+0160
Detectives have it with the front door. After below in the bathtub the tub is with milk, Cornflakes, and banana disks found has been filled up.
Polize Bureau a grain murderer seek!!!

Q: what will you pour dilutes when you be named a rabbit hole?
A: a hot cross bunny herr friend.

Q: you know how the magnificent gorge Big Canyon was formed?
A: a Scot man and gopher hole dropped his penny down.

A bear runs into a rod bar. So the Barkeeper ask, "what I receive can you?"
the bears answer, "I'll has a gin. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ya und tonic,
that of the Barkeeper ask, "why the large recess und spikly paws?"

Q: what did the farmer say lost when its tractor?
A: "SHNELL, where's my tractor?"

Friday, November 18, 2011

What would Trigo Say?

For those who remember fondly The Trigan Empire in Look & Learn, I've just realised you can read the best of it on your PC free.

First you'll need a Comic Book Reader (CBR) programme. I got one free HERE
Then you can download a 187 page collected  comic HERE


Monday, November 14, 2011

What would BT say?

I've been thinking about phones.
Last week a truck hit the telephone pole at the back of our house, taking it out and all telephone and broadband for our house as well as all other houses in the spiderweb of wires it fed.
A week later we still have no phone etc. I just rang BT. I know, I should get a medal just for that. Do you know how hard it is to get a phone number for them? I searched the website at work and found nothing except an online form to fill in. Usually you just ring 150, but that won't work.
I eventually got the number from the IT dept:
91211280 (I think the 9 here is the number I have to ring from work to get a dial tone), then 150 for sales or 152 for faults.
After a 5 minute 'conversation' to a robot I finally got to speak to a human being. You get the feeling of finding water after struggling through a desert.
Anyway, they wanted to make it clear if I report a fault and the trouble is with my equipment I'd have to pay £130.
Well, I told the lady i knew what the problem was, the telegraph pole has gone. All the wires for about 10 houses are spread all over our garden and hedges neighbouring us.
She seemed think i was the first person to report the fault, well what about the BT people who took the pole away?
Anyway, she said there is a 3 day wait to have hinges fixed. Roll on Thursday.

When I was a kid phones were a great source of entertainment on a boring rainy school holiday day.
Especially, if like us you had a party line. Kids today don't have a clue what this is. It's when 2 or more houses had the same phone line. If someone was on the phone, not only could the other house not make a call, but you could pick up the phone and listen to their conversation. Also, if you both picked up your phone, you could chat for free.
As a bit of a scamp I would occasionally be naughty and have a listen in to conversations. But apart from once being told to stop listening from the lady down the road, it really was a bit boring.

Other things I used to do, was just pick up the phone and listen. If you listened carefully you could hear a white noise and faint voices, which I always imagined were the operators?

Also, in those days (70's) we all had 1 phone each. No houses with a phone in each room, no DECT. So one day I decided to dial my own number. In theory nothing should have happened, but a lady answered. So I asked to speak to Chris (myself) and the lady asked me to hold while she went and got him. I was so freaked out I put the phone down. Telling this story later, people don't always grasp this wasn't someone in my house answering, as I was on the ONLY phone.

There was also a number you could dial, it had a few 2's in it, that when you rang it and put the phone down it would make the phone ring. Always good for a little joke.

And phone boxes! The old style would let you speak for a few seconds while you put money in. So, a little game me and my friend played was seeing what the longest number was we could dial and get a ring tone. I seemed to remember dialling 13 numbers (at a time when most numbers only had 3 digits), so I guessed it was somewhere across the globe. It rang for ages (again, supporting my theory that whoever's house it was, was probably asleep), and then a tired voice said 'hello', I just said 'goodbye' , hung up and went off to play in the fields. I've often pictured though a tired Australian or American scratching his head wondering who it was, maybe thinking it was his practical joker friend not realising it was a little boy in a village in South Wales.