What would a bald person say? (No hair to pull out!)

I've been trying to get the telephone number of my local HSBC so I can go in and talk about my mortgage.
Simple huh?
I typed in the branch on Google and got the telephone number, but when I rang it, it asked to input my account details and sort code. I didn't have them on me so just left that, after all, all I want to do is arrange a visit.
I finally got through to an Indian call center where the operator literally spoke like an automated message.
I said what I wanted, but he wanted me to answer lots of questions first about accounts etc.
I said all I want to do is arrange a visit to my local branch.
I was then put on hold for ages.
Then a Scottish man came on the phone, so I went through it all again saying  all I want to do is arrange a visit to my local branch.
He said I should use the special phone service for mortgage related enquiries.
So I asked, don't you like people going into the local branch?
He said it takes 2 weeks to arrange an appointment.
So, the next day i use the mortgage hotline.
I get through to someone who wants all my account info, this time I am prepared. But then he asks for monthly payment amounts and original loan amounts. This is after answering all my name/address/account number/second account holder questions.
I don't have that on my. So I give him the figure for my current balance...but that isn't good enough and he informs me I've answered something incorrectly and now my account has been locked. I will need to visit my local branch to unlock it.
AGGHHHHHH
I explain all I wanted to do is arrange a visit to my local branch.
I am now booked in for Saturday, what a pain in the neck!!!!!