What would Doctor Who say?

I was looking at some funny Doctor Who pics. Here are, what I thought, were the cream of the crop.
4 & 5 are gif's, click to see animation.

What would Steven Seagal say?

Possibly the funniest review I ever read on amazon for the Steven Seagal series Lawman:

I got pulled over by Seagal ..., March 13, 2010

By 

Tim - See all my reviews

This review is from: Steven Seagal Lawman: The Complete Season One (DVD)

I'm not sure what I was doing to set off his Zen psychic powers, but I got pulled over by Officer Seagal once. I was coming back from Hong Kong market on the westbank with several small Banh-Mi sandwiches and groceries and some Asian sweets. Running toward the car with what appeared to be a severe purpose, he started yelling "Yo! Yo! Yo! Yo! STEP OUT OF THE CAR, YO?!" and things like that. So I get out, and before my heel can even touch the ground I find myself in an ankle lock with him screaming at me about compliance. Several excruciating moments later, he gets this thousand yard stare looking at my car and sniffing the car uncontrollably as he pat me down. He put his hands together and bowed the way Japanese do in more formal moments, and said "Yo, Im' gonna hafta search the car, yo?" I had six Peking ducks in the backseat, and he said I was "way over the limit" as he started chowing down on my chicken liver Banh-mi. He gave one of the ducks to Colonel Fortunato who proceeded to swallow it whole, feet first. For the next half hour they just kept eating all my food and high fiving each other, right there on Gen. Degaulle Dr! Then he turned to me, jiggling his cheeks as he shook his head and said "mmmpph well das enoughmpph you kin gompph" I went home with a car full of crumbs but I swear to God, I'm lucky to be alive!

What would the Germans say?

This is 100% genuine.
I just found this whilst looking on my PC at some old files.
This is years old, back in the time when on-line translation systems were worse than they are now!
What I did was chuck a load of old cheesy jokes into an English to German translator...and this was the result:


Why on earth did the chicken go and cross the road!
Because of the fact that he was going to the other side of the road?

What will witches ride in on in the future motor powered!
They will be on a vroomsticks?

What did the horse who went in to the pub and the landlord said!
Why is your face so long horse?

How do you eventually know when its time to pull yourself together!
Your doctor mistakes you for curtain?

What does the astronaut park his car at!
Up the parking meteors?

What do you cross if you cross a sheep and a kangaroo!
Warm Jumper?

Man to butcher I'd like two pork chops please!
Butcher which way would you like them to lean?

Doctor doctor I feel like beans on toast!
Shut up you skinhead get back on the raft ?

Why the boy threw his clock out of a window!
How time flies?

Whats the difference between a knock knock and a doctor doctor!
Thats a Irishman of course it is?

Q: what is the capital of the Japan?
A: J.

Q: vot call you a street, where all crazy people are?
A: a psycho path.

Q: what did a chicken call crossing the street?
A: feather cattle in movement ya.

Q: what did the zero to the eight make say?
A: "Hey. . . Volume nice"

A dog went in a telegraph office to send a telegram. It have, "Woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, Woof,
Then the secretary what the dog reads written has, and, said gives "it only nine words here!!!. It could send another 'Woof' for the same price silly dog friend.
"But, that dog reciprocated, "the message then any sense no make frauhlein.

Q: what happened to the hölzernen wood car?
A: it goes woods, yah, it really doos.

Q: a man goes to the doctor. The man has a strawberry that are awake out of his head.
A: the doctor says "that you have any Kreme to give me to place on it"

A man goes in injured to the doctor, "Doc, I've my arm in several places:
the doctors says, "goods. . . there are more arms in udder places. ha ha".

A man was murdered in its home at the weekend. ALT+0160
Detectives have it with the front door. After below in the bathtub the tub is with milk, Cornflakes, and banana disks found has been filled up.
Polize Bureau a grain murderer seek!!!

Q: what will you pour dilutes when you be named a rabbit hole?
A: a hot cross bunny herr friend.

Q: you know how the magnificent gorge Big Canyon was formed?
A: a Scot man and gopher hole dropped his penny down.

A bear runs into a rod bar. So the Barkeeper ask, "what I receive can you?"
the bears answer, "I'll has a gin. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ya und tonic,
that of the Barkeeper ask, "why the large recess und spikly paws?"

Q: what did the farmer say lost when its tractor?
A: "SHNELL, where's my tractor?"

What would Shakespeare say?

Ladies and gentlemen

Hobos and tramps

Cross-eyed mosquitoes

And bow-legged ants

Pull up a chair

And sit on the floor

And I'll tell you a story

I've never heard before

One bright day

In the dead of night

Two dead boys

Got up to fight

Back to back

They faced each other

Drew their swords

And shot each other

A deaf police man

Heard the noise

And came and killed

The two dead boys

If you don't believe

This lie is true

Ask the blind man...

He saw it too.

What would Harold Lloyd say?

The One Handed Man (my review on the Harold lloyd boxset)

If you live in the UK and remember Harold Lloyd, it's probably through the old TV compilations that had the song 'Hooray for Harold Lloyd' and the excitable cheesy voice over saying thinks like 'Oh no, what will Harold do now!!!'
When I bought the boxiest, I thought I would be getting those old shows. I remembered watching them as a kid, and didn't know they were just compilations from his films.
To be honest, they were very good and I was almost disappointed I didn't get that…then you watch the films.

They are some of the most amazing slapstick comedy films I've ever seen. At times I had my hands in front of my face saying NO! as he climbs a skyscraper, in one film with his feet stuck on a painters tresslle.

There are Talkies too! I've never seen these before. they are a lot different to the silents, and I think I prefer the silents. There is so much more visual comedy, whereas the talkies seem to be story lead. Feet First is probably the most hybrid of these talkies.

But…despite all these incredible stunts, what makes it even more incredible is he did it with nearly only 1 hand!
I didn't know this until recently, and I heard an interview on the radio with his daughter, who told the story.
In those old silent comedies, where you would have a big fat baddy with a big black moustache tying some maiden to a rail track whilst holding a big bomb, that said BOMB on the side, those bombs were made of paper. The idea being that when they exploded the effect looked impressive on screen. Anyway, apparently one of these bomb's went off whilst Harold was holding it, taking with it a few of his fingers. They thought his career was over, but instead Lloyd had a false hand made, it's very difficult to see at times, but in some scenes of his movies, usually when he's just sitting down, you can see his right hand makes no movements and looks slightly odd. You'd never notice though unless you knew about it, and it was kept a big secret.

Now, rematch one of his films and realise that these breathtaking stunts are not only being done by a real person, but a real 1 handed person!

Amazing set. Buy it.